JOKE TIME

PEDRO: Anong pulutan nyo kahapon sa birthday mo? JUAN: Pata! PEDRO: Wow! Anong klaseng pata? JUAN; PATA galan ng kwento! JINGGOY: Dad, bakit ba maalat at may asin sa dagat? ERAP: Sinadya yan ni Lord para sa ganun hindi mapanis ang mga isda..

ADIK: Doc, grabe yung panaginip ko gabi gabi, kasi lagi daw ako nanunuod ng basketball. DOCTOR: sige halika may gamot ako para dyan. ADIK: Wag muna dok, championship game na mamaya eh!

AMO: kelan lang tayo bumili ng toothpick, bakit naubos agad? MAID: ewan ko po mam, kapag ako po ang gumamit sinosoli ko naman ah!

TITSER: Ano ang PAST TENSE sa LABA? BOY#1: Naglaba mam! TITSER: Tama! Ano ang PRESENT TENSE? BOY#2: Naglalaba! TITSER: Tama! Ano naman ang FUTURE TENSE? BOY#3: MAGSASAMPAY mam!

AMERICAN ENGLISH: Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home! IN TAGALOG: kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!

ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES : 1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses abroad. 2. Rats are normal house pets. 3. Soap opera is reality and news provide the dramas of life. 4. Actors make the rules and politicians provide the entertainment!

ENRIQUE ZOBEL: half Filipino half Spanish. HENRY SY: half Filipino half Chinese. JUAN FLAVIER: half Filipino half Igorot. RAUL ROCO: half Hawaiian half Polo. JOHN OSMENA: half Filipino half Filipina. MIKE ARROYO: half Filipino half Pork. GMA: half...

TATAY: Bagsak ka na nman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor. ANAK:Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro. TATAY: Bakit naman? ANAK: Matalino tatay nun!

A song for our Honorable Politicians, Congressmen and Senators, Mayors and Governors: (To the tune of Boom Tarat-Tarat) "BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT, BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT, KURAKOT, KURAKOT, BOOM BOOM BOOM!" >

INTERVIEWER: Ano ang plano nyo sa mga homeless? >ERAP: Marami, kaso may problema. >INTERVIEWER: Ano po yun? >ERAP: ang hirap nilang hanapin, kasi wala silang address. >

JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata. >TATAY: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! >Englisin mo yan! >JUAN: Paano? >TATAY: KANG GUD! >

ERAP: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San >Francisco? >OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir.. >ERAP: Really? Thank you.. >

PILITA CORRALES - Asia 's Queen of Song. >LANI MISALUCHA - Asia 's Nightingale. >REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia 's Song Bird. >GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia " >

SA RESTORAN... >CUSTOMER: Waitress! Ano ba 'tong binigay mo sa akin, >kape o tsaa? Lasang gas 'to ah! >WAITRESS: Kung yan ay lasang gas, Kape yan! >Ang tsaa kasi lasang pintura!

An ambitious man wanted to marry a woman with the ff: traits: an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room, and a harlot in bed. He was able to marry a girl with all said traits but not in the same order. He found out that she was an aristocrat in the kitchen, a harlot in the living room and an economist in bed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A young man said to his fiancee, “Before we get married, I want to confess some affairs I’ve had in the past.” The girl replied, “But you told me all about those a couple of weeks ago.” The man explained, “Yes, darling, but that was a couple of weeks ago”.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Completing his examination of a sexy, beautiful girl, the doctor said solemnly, “You are a very sick young lady. I don’t want you returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get undressed, and get into bed. Drink about a third of this bottle of medicine I’m preparing for you…it will make you drowsy. I don’t want you to answer your phone or let anybody into your apartment until you hear three short knocks…”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Moving along a dimly lighted street, my friend was suddenly approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. “Please sir,” asked the stranger, “would you be so kind as to help a poor, unfortunate fellow who is hungry and out of work? All I have in the world is this gun.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
As he approached the Men’s Accessories section of a large department store, a well-dressed gentleman was greeted by a sexy sales lady. “Good afternoon,” she said softly, “and what is your desire?”
“My desire,” after giving her a long, appreciative look, “is to sweep you into my arms, rush you out of this store and up to my apartment, mix a pitcher of martinis, put on some soft music and make mad, passionate love to you. But what I need is a pair of socks.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A polite and rather timid young man, after buying a lady friend a pair of gloves as a birthday present, scribbled the following note to be sent along with them:
“I hope you find these a welcome birthday gift, since I noticed—on our last few dates—that you weren’t wearing any. They are reversible, so if you get them soiled, you can wear them inside out and thus wear them longer without having to wash them. I’m sorry I cannot be there at your party to put them to you myself and watch your smiling face as you try them on.”
He left he note with the saleslady, who promptly sent it off with the wrong package: a pair of silk panties.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In what they thought would be a great propaganda coup, the Russian government sent an order to an American rubber company for 1000 boxes of condoms 18 inches long and 8 inches in circumference. The company filled the order, but countering propaganda with propaganda, labeled each box MEDIUM.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Upon entering the taxi and noticing the driver was a woman, the young man decided to have a little fun. “Take me to the cheapest motel in town,” he said.
“Mister,” the female cabbie quickly replied, “you’re in it!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A French actress, returning from a visit in the US brought back a superb mink coat.
“How beautiful, “ remarked an envious script girl at the studio. “Where did mademoiselle get that?”
“I met a gentleman,” said the haughty actress disdainfully, “who had five thousand dollars . . . et voila!”
That summer the script girl took her vacation in the US. On her return she sported a mink coat equally beautiful as the actress’s.
“Sacre bleau!” exclaimed the astonished actress. “How did you get that?”
“The same way as mademoiselle,” replied the script girl icily. “Only in my case I met a hundred gentlemen, and each had fifty dollars.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A stunning coed was stunned herself when the biology professor asked, “What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about ten times its normal measurement during periods of emotion or excitement?”
“I—I refuse to answer that question,” the girl stammered as she avoided looking at her male classmates sitting nearby. One of them was called upon next, and he correctly answered, “The pupil of the eye.”
“Miss Moran,” (her name was Tina) said the professor, “your refusal to answer my question makes three things evident. First, you didn’t study last night’s assignment. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third,” concluded the professor, “I’m afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment for you.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Although he kept bachelor’s hours, Harry quite piously demanded absolute fidelity from his wife. Almost every night he would leave her at home with the children, bidding her farewell with a cheery “Good night, mother of three.”
Then one night she called back just as cheerfully, “Good night, father of one.” Now he stays home.

GOD TO ERAP: KUNG TALAGANG RELIHIYOSO KA, ANONG PANGALAN KO?
ERAP: HAROLD PO.
GOD: NGE! BAKIT?
ERAP: DI PO BA, “OUR FATHER, HAROLD BE THY NAME..”

PAANO HAHATIIN ANG SIXTY SA TATLONG BABAE AT TATLONG LALAKE?
ANSWER: SAMPUKE ANA, SAMPUKE LINDA, SAMPUKE RHEA;
O TEN MO, O TEN NYA, O TEN KO.


THE POOH FAMILY: TATAY – POOHLIS, NANAY – POOHTAH, KUYA – POOHSAKAL, ATE – POOHKPOK, PET – POOHSA, LOLO – POOHSHER, LOLA – PANAY ANG POOHSOY, BUNSO – POOHRO IYAK. POOHTRAGIS NA PAMILYA ‘YAN.


HATINGGABI, KINALABIT NI MISIS SI MISTER. . . (NAGLALAMBING. . . MISIS (MAPANUKSO) LUV, WALA NA AKONG PANTY. . . MISTER (NAGISING) : TULOG KA NA, LUV, BUKAS IBIBILI KITA.


FLY ASIAN SPIRITS! YOU FLY AS ASIANS, YOU LAND AS SPIRITS! FLY CEBU PACIFIC! YOU DEPART FROM CEBU, YOU ARRIVE AT THE PACIFIC OCEAN.


7 MAKAHAYOP NA PARAAN PARA DI KA MALIMUTAN NG KA-SEX MO:
1) DILANG PUSA
2) KADYOT ASO
3) LINGKIS SAWA
4) TIBAY KUNEHO
5) SIPSIP LINTA
6) SUGOD TORO
7) TITING KABAYO


Kahit NISSAN ka, STAREX ka ng buhay ko, masKIAnong mangyari HONDA kitang pagMAZDAn at ISUZUmpang SUZUKIlian ng buong katapatan. Kahit maTOYOTA ang dugo ko. Ganyan ako ka-loyal—hindi ako free-LANCER. I love people out of my own ACCORD, but I don’t RAV their feelings. DODGE what friends are FORD. Brrmmm.


UMAGA NA NAMAN…NAWA’Y TISURIN KA NG GRASYA, LAMUNIN NG SWERTE IPAMUKHA ANG MAGANDANG KAPALARAN AT PAGSASAMPAL SAMPALIN KA NG LIGAYA. MABUHAY KA! . . . pa kaya?

ADVISORY ALERT: AVOID GOING TO MALLS, THEATRE AREAS. WALA LANG. . .MAGASTOS EH.

ALAM MO BA KING BAKIT HULOG KA NG LANGIT? . . .DAHIL BAWAL KA DON. . . HE HE HE. NOPE! BECAUSE GOD NEEDS YOU DOWN HERE TO BE MY FRIEND.


WHAT YOU SHOW WHEN YOU KISS A WOMAN’S: FOREHEAD, LOVE; LIPS, LOYALTY; BOOBS, BRAVERY; TUMMY, PATRIOTISM; HER VAGINA, SUPREME SACRIFICE!



WHY DOES A MAN WANT TO HAVE A WIFE? BECAUSE SHE CAN PROVIDE:
W – WASHING
I - IRONING
F - FOOD
E - ENTERTAINMENT

FREE OF CHARGE.


DOCTOR: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EARS?
PATIENT: NAMAMANLANTSA AKO NANG MAG-RING ANG TELEPHONE, PAGSAGOT KO, PLANTSA ANG NADIKIT SA TENGA KO.
DOCTOR: EH, NAPAANO YUNG KABILA?
PATIENT: ANG HINAYUPAK, TUMAWAG ULIT!

PUT TANG I N A. . .GLASS, THEN ADD WATER AND ICE, EH DI ORANGE JUICE NA! ENJOY YOUR DRINK.


1. Newly wed couple:
bride - 24 years
groom - 85 years
He looked tenderly at his bride and showed her 5 fingers
bride: "Oh no, you will do it 5 times?"
dom: "No! Choose a finger!"

2. Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

3. Lady: "Doc, I'm sick!"
Doc: "Let's put a thermometer in your butt."
Lady: "But its embarassing Doc."
Doc: "Ok, let's just turn the lights off."
A few minutes later . . .
Lady: "That's not my butt-hole Doc."
Doc: "Its not the thermometer either."

4. Q: What is the difference between a toad and a horney toad?
A: The first one says "ribbit" while the other one says "RUB IT"

5. Teacher to Sexy student : How do you punctuate this statement. . .
fun fun fun
worry worry worry
Sexy student to Teacher:
fun period fun period fun period
no period worry, worry, worry

6. Doctor to patient who cannot have sex with his wife:
"Take Viagra. But the side effects are uncertain. I
suggest you try it with your maid first."
Patient: "But Doc, I don't have a problem with my maid."

2. Women wear lipstick as a WARNING: WRONG HOLE!

3. New nun goes to her first confession.
NUN: "Father, I never wear panties."
PRIEST: "That's not so serious, say 5 Hail Marys and do 6 cartwheels on your way to the altar."

4. Q: Why do boys run faster than girls?
A: "Because they have two ball bearings and a stick shift."

5. Girl: "Doc, my vibrator got stuck in my vagina. Can you please
take it off?"
Doc: "Sorry, I can't. Its too deep."
Girl: "Okay but can you at least change the batteries?"

6. On the day of creation, God asked man and woman to choose, "Who wants to pee standing up?" And man immediately said, "I do." God said, "Then woman gets the multiple orgasm."

7. "Mom, now that I'm 16, I can wear lipstick, high heels and mini skirts." Mom: "Shut up PAUL!"

8. Man's sexual stages:
Teens - thrice daily
20's - thrice weekly
30's - tries weekly
40's - tries weakly
50's - tries & tries & tries

9. Q: What's the worst position?
A: 6.9 Because its 69 with a period.

10. Ever heard of the Australian kiss? Its like a French kiss, only
its down under!

11. Modern movie ratings: G - the hero gets the girl
R - the bad guy gets the girl
X - everybody gets the girl

12. Girl 1: "What do you think about sex?"
Girl 2: "Its a pain in the ass."
Girl 1: "No, you're using the wrong hole!"

4. Learning Singaporean:
Stupid - Gah Goh Kah
Idiot - Tong Gak Kah
Dukha - Wa Pé Ya
Daydream - Tong Nga Nga
Gud Riddance - Goh Toh Hell!


7. 3 quickest ways to spread news:
1) telephone
2) television
3) telawoman

8. Four gays are swimming in a pool. All of a sudden a condom pops
out of the water. One fag says, "Okay, who farted?"

1. Man: "Can you tattoo a $100 bill on my penis?"
Tattooist: "Why of all places do you want it on your penis?"
Man: "I want to play with my money and watch it grow."

2. Anong tawag sa maliit na boobs? MAPALAD
Anong tawag sa malaking boobs? KAPOS-PALAD



---Compiled by Joe